Friday, April 17, 2009

Stupid Fur-Having, Live-Bearing, Milk-Making Animalia

My primary objection to pregnancy is that it's just so mammalian. With the carrying around a live fetus for a ridiculous period of time and the LIVE-BEARING THE YOUNG, which is appalling no matter how you look at it, and then the milk-producing and breast-feeding, and the hormones -- oh, the hormones. Ugh.

I would be much happier if we could just lay eggs and be done with it. People keep telling me that sitting on an egg for nine months would be boring, and I agree that 50 years ago it would have been, but now we have the internet. I could sit still for 9 months and surf the web ... you could even telecommute!

When I told my husband I wished I'd laid an egg and how I'd be happy to sit on it for 9 months as long as I had internet access, he pointed out that if humans laid eggs, we would have been putting them in incubators for 50 years now. And I said he was probably right, except now there'd be a cadre of judgy upper-middle-class mothers who would insist that if you didn't sit on your egg 24/7 for nine months, you wouldn't be properly bonded to it and be simultaneously all holier-than-thou and martyr-y about it. And they'd make the rest of us feel like bad mothers and guilt us into feeling like we had to egg-sit whether we wanted to or not. But at least in our modern egalitarian society we could split the egg-sitting duties between parents, and we could be judgy at fathers who didn't do their share of egg-sitting.

Anyway, now every time I walk in the house, I'm trying to decide where we'd put the incubator if humans laid eggs. Would you put the incubator in the living room so everyone could admire the egg and you could keep it company? Or in the nursery so it had quiet and its own space? Or would the incubator go in the kitchen, because, well, that's where one keeps eggs?

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*Yes, I realize monotremes lay eggs. But it's a less-amusing post if I'm busy specifying placental mammals and marsupials for all you overspecific people out there.

8 comments:

Anon E. Mouse said...

...and to think, if you had started a cake yet were missing a key ingredient, you wouldn't have to run to the store

Rebekka said...

We've had this discussion too. An egg-chair! The coming dad could use it too which would equalise the parental divide. Motorised for trips to the store? With optional built in incubator and egg-monitor in case you've got to leave the chair for a bit? Organic, free-trade, Montessori-esque egg chairs for the crunchy granola types, or all blinged out for others.

The only problem is, the egg itself doesn't grow. That means you have to LAY AN EGG. Definite minus.

Billy Dennis said...

Anon E. Mouse: So, you would CANNIBALIZE your own offspring? Hrmph! I now feel all morally superior to you.

Cameron said...

Would you sit on the egg? Or would you rest it on top of your feet like penguins?

Diane Vespa said...

Thank you Cameron for stating the obvious. I thought about penguins throughout this whole post!

Jenny said...

I enjoy reading your blog. Congrats on your pregnancy and I think you could definitely use a doula like every pregnant woman deserves. www.hoidoulas.org

Darren Daz Cox said...

:) well written! good luck with the new hatchling!

Carol said...

You really should publish and make $$$ writing!!! This is hysterical!