Sunday, October 08, 2006

Hide the Knives - No, Wait, Someone Already Did

One of the perpetual mysteries of homeownership is where all that missing stuff GOES. For the eight years prior to moving to Peoria I moved, on average, twice a year (in and out of dorms, in and out of apartments, etc.). So anything that went missing either turned up when I moved, or I assumed I lost it during the move. But now that I've been in one place for two and a half years, and now that I'm the grown-up in charge of things like laundry and socks, I'm starting to notice some alarming trends of disappearance.

I have no butter knives.

I know I had twelve, because I bought the flatware-in-a-box set for 12. (At Kohl's, with serving pieces -- it was a great deal). I'm down to maybe six knives, and that includes a couple of butter knives that don't actually GO with the set but were left for me by prior roommates, or possibly just migrated into the drawer on their own; I have no way of knowing. Where the heck are my other six or eight butter knives? Where, exactly, does a butter knife hide, other than down the disposal? (They're not there.) And why are the utensils disappearing at such oddly different rates? I still have all the spoons (soup and desert) and all the dinner forks, but I've lost probably 1/3 of the salad forks. (Look, it came in a box. I promise I don't use two different sizes of forks except on holidays.) Why, while we're on the topic, did I not buy from an open-stock pattern so I could replace them when this happened?

At the same time as all my butter knives are disappearing, I swear I have more kitchen utility knives every day. I already had more than enough, having been bequeathed a set of Ginsu knives by a former roommate, remember those from 80s informercials? Let me tell you, THEY WORK. They can cut those stupid plastic clamshell packages where you usually either gash your hand or destroy the product! I've also used them as saws for minor carpentry projects. Seriously. Anyway, I swear to God, they're multiplying. Every time I go in the kitchen drawer, there are more. Are the butter knives growing up to be Ginsu knives? This is starting to look like the only rational possibility.

Socks don't disappear in my house, but I think my washing machine eats washcloths. I moved to this house with two complete sets of washcloths from the wedding (8 in green, 8 in blue), plus some assorted pre-marital washclothes, maybe five or six, plus a package of 20 cheapies I picked up when we were living in two different states and one of us for some reason ended up with none of the washcloths. So that's about 40 washcloths.

I can find TEN, and only if I fully investigate the entire laundry cycle. Where have the other thirty washcloths gone? How does something like a washcloth just disappear? How have I managed to lose thirty washcloths but no socks? Why do my kitchen dishcloths, which are basically the same thing but a waffle weave, never disappear? Does the Laundry Monster have something against waffle weave?

Some things that disappear are a little more disconcerting. I lost my glasses case about three months ago, which is weird, because I never wear my glasses, so they're always in the case, and I have the glasses, but not the case. I lost a rolling pin that I used to roll out cookies last year, that has disappeared so thoroughly (I searched every cabinet in the kitchen AND my basement pantry) that I actually bought a replacement after having to borrow a rolling pin from my neighbor in an emergency. Where does a ROLLING PIN go? Or even more alarmingly, where's my paper shredder? How does a paper shredder with attached bin go missing? WHERE CAN IT HIDE???

Mr. McGee helps me search, but it seems like serial household disappearances is a woman's concern. He hasn't seemed to notice the dearth of washcloths or the dismaying shortage of knives. His missing objects can usually be called on the phone so they make noise, or found by his wife. Or, as happened the other morning as he was ransacking the house:

"Eyebrows, have you seen my watch? I've been looking for it everywhere and I'm going to be late for -- Oh! It's on my wrist!"

If only my butter knives could be so easily found.


anon e. mouse said...

butter knives or table knives?

You don't have kids. If you ever do, I can help you find them.
(under the couch cushions, behind the TV, and, of course, in the sand box)

Eyebrows McGee said...

Oh, table knives. I've always called them butter knives because they aren't sharp, but I guess the real butter knives are those two teeny ones, which also came in the boxed utensil set!

HeartShadow said...

so, have you checked your wrist for the knives? ;)

knight in dragonland said...

Gremlins, definitely ... you've got a bad infestation.

I, like Anon, can blame my children. Sometimes they clear their plates a little TOO well ... "No, dearest child .. the fork doesn't go in the trash can." Dearest child ... that's what I say ... yeah. (Ahem).

Children scare away gremlins ... although sometimes they need help from stuffed animal sentries, night-lights and magic spells only daddy can perform at 2 AM. Or maybe ... children ARE gremlins. Depends on the day .. ;)

LF said...

Mom said she's been missing a ceramic duck soup tureen for the last two years and would you pretty please come to Dallas and help her look for it. *g*