Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Grocery Store People Watching

You know how sometimes when you grocery shop, it's fine, even enjoyable, and other times it's a harrowing journey into the bowels of hell?

Guess which one mine was today.

Grocery shopping is not my favorite form of shopping - there's no shoes involved - but it is prime people-watching territory. Today I was treated to an episode of Angry Married Couple Theater (Foreign Language Edition) as I watched two middle-aged individuals bicker loudly and publicly in what I think was Korean. It was fairly entertaining - probably moreso because it was in a language I don't understand, so I could imagine what they were arguing about. Clearly something much more exotic and fascinating than what my husband and I would argue about!

In the spice aisle, I saw a raggedy-looking young man (teenaged boy) buying Every. Poppy Seed. Jar. There. It was all I could do not to bust out laughing. Yes, grocery-store poppy seeds are from the opium poppy plant, and yes, typically at least some of them will germinate (says the book I'm reading on the science of food) but, um ... for starters, poppies are fall-sown. But mostly, HE WAS BUYING EVERY POPPY SEED JAR IN THE ENTIRE KROGER! I kind of wanted to ask him if he was after opium, morphine, or heroin, or if he just really badly wanted to fail a drug test. Or maybe just really liked poppy-seed bagels.

He was the highlight of my trip, though. (And I wonder if the state tags people who buy too many opium poppy seeds at once, like they do if you buy too many Sudafed at once?) It was downhill from there. First of all, Kroger appears incapable of leaving the damned parmesan cheese in one location from week to week. Secondly, I really hate the new creepy lobster tank with the creepy lobsters staring at me. Thirdly, it was raining and I hate going out in the rain.

But worst of all, I had a bagger who set a new standard for Worst Bagger Ever, and there are a lot of bad baggers out there. He was painfully slow and inefficient (sinfully so, in a Midwesterner) and he had this slouchy attitude the whole time that said, "Well, I guess I might put your tomatoes in the bag, but only because I don't have anything in particular better to do." So ... slowly. It took forever to bag my order, and no, of course they wouldn't let me do it myself. Raw chicken in with shampoo. My eggs were under cans. (I looked away from 15 seconds to swipe the credit card and he stashed my eggs so I couldn't find them.) Like things not grouped with like at all (and I unload them together in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, my frozen foods will end up together, or all my cans, or whatever). Deli meat randomly in with a bag with nothing else but croutons. Six canned goods in one bag, and one on top of the bread. All my green vegetables SMASHED in a bag.

I wish I had a punchline here, but I just wanted to complain because it made me really grumpy. I bet grocery-store-poppy-opium guy has a cure.


Darkhawk said...

You're right. I am amused by poppy guy. ;)

Anonymous said...

He was buying all the poppy seed because you can make a tea from it that will get you an opiate high. Because there is such a trace amount of opiates on it (codeine, morphine, etc) he has to buy a bunch in order to make into tea.

vyladio said...

poor bastard was probably trying to get well (relieve opiod withdrawal) rom a serious boy habit

shame on you for makin fun of him

you certainly invest quite alot of effort in beeing a douchebag

Anonymous said...

At least he was paying fir them

Matt Markey said...

What guy above me said

Matt Markey said...

What guy above me said