Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Spiders, Shoes, and Eyeballs

Now, anyone who knows Eyebrows personally knows that I am absolutely terrified of spiders. Freeze in my steps. Have to call others to kill them for me. Feel sick to my stomach. Ditto eyeballs. I can't watch people mess with their contacts, I can't touch my own, I can't use eyedrops. They're just horrible.

Shoes, on the other hand, are my abiding passion. I have about 75 pairs, and I had to install industrial shelving for them after they fell on my head (spike heels in the head HURT!).

Just so you have the appropriate background for this story.

My husband was away on work, so I was going to bed alone that night. I prepared for bed, and lay down on the bed to read for a few minutes.

And what do I behold on the ceiling but a BIG SPIDER.

N
ow, he's just a house spider, but I absolutely CANNOT go to sleep with a spider hanging over my bed, even if he's virtually microscopic (and this one was about an inch big. HUGE!). As I look at him, I realize he has a BUDDY BEHIND HIM. TWO SPIDERS! A FOOT APART! And no husband to kill them for me!

So, I'm not thrilled about garden spiders, but I'm not paralyzingly terrified of them the way I am of other spiders. So I swallow my gorge (as I am trying not to puke) and go to get a shoe from the industrial rack of 75 pairs. Then I realize I must analyze a) which shoes have the appropriate heels for this task - spikes are obviously no good and b) which shoes I don't mind having spider guts on. I ponder this and pick a sturdy boot I rarely wear that I can make my husband clean for me before I wear again.

Appropriate shoe-of-death in hand, I gather up my courage and WHACK Spider One. He dies on the heel of my boot. Leaving no stain on the ceiling, I must add.

I set my jaw and go after spider #2, and WHACK! --

-------------- SPIDER PIECES FLY INTO MY EYE ------------------

I absolutely froze in horror and then I was like "GET IT OUT GET IT OUT GET IT OUT!" It itched like crazy and, of course, I can't touch my own eyes to get it out. I had to close the eye and rub it. My hands got cold and my feet got cold and I got all dizzy and panicky and felt terribly sick to my stomach.

But once I got it out and took a few deep breaths I was able to calm down, and I slept remarkably well -- although the NyQuil may have helped with that part of it.

It's a miracle I'm not curled up in a fetal position in a corner somewhere. Is this what they mean by "confronting your fears"?

(Sorry for the lack of funny linkage. I'm just far too traumatized to make links. *sob*)