Thursday, December 29, 2005

Penguins, Again

Okay, the Penguins are growing on me because they're so cute it hurts, and because the special features are interesting, and because I like the camera-hog penguins.

Still, I believe I ought to be WARNED before watching a movie labeled "uplifting" that involves baby animals dying!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Horrible Animal Deaths

My mother is making me watch March of the Penguins, in which scores of penguins die in horrible ways that also doom their partners and/or chicks, to the soothing narration of Morgan Freeman's voice.

This reminds me of when she made me read The Yearling and told me it was a classic novel and I'd love it and then the boy has to shoot his pet fawn. WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS TO ME?

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Proof That I Am a Lizard

It got to be about 4:45 and I got up from my desk and realized I was really rather cold. So cold, in fact, that I went to take the unusual step of turning the thermostat up from my winter setting of 62°F (my poor Floridian husband!) to, say, 63°F or even 65°F - crazy times!

A few minutes later I was STILL cold. Glanced at the thermostat, which claimed it was 63°F, and cranked it all the way up to 66°F.

Then I realized THE AIR WAS NOT BLOWING. Checked the vents. No blowing. Checked the thermostat ...

Which actually said FIFTY-three degrees, not sixty-three.

Which is proof positive that I'm cold-blooded, that I didn't notice my furnace was broken until it got down to 53°F in my house.

Boy, thank God it's a balmy 28°F outside or I'd really be chilly!

Friday, December 16, 2005

Disgruntled Postal Workers

My mail lady hates mail.

This is the only conclusion I can draw. For a while, I tried to create some romantic Faulknerian story about her travails as a mail lady (Faulkner was the postmaster at Ole Miss and fired for skipping mail delivery to read poetry with friends, ganking other people's magazines to read from the mail, and generally being a lazy SOB -- odd the factoids you remember from high school English class), but I think she just really hates mail.

She is unconcerned about the actual addresses on the mail. We routinely have a neighborhood swap where I deliver my neighbor's bills next door, and my other neighbor comes by to drop off mine. Sometimes I get mail from the same number, a few streets over. Sometimes I get mail from places on her route that have nothing in common with my address whatsoever.

When I set mail out for her to pick up, often she'll take half of it and drop the other half in my bushes. Some days half my delivered mail ends up in the bushes too.

The worst is packages, though. She literally DROPS them on the front step, even when they're marked fragile. If they're small enough, she will toss them on the front step from five feet away. I work from home. I see her do it! If it's pouring rain, she never bothers to knock (she knows I work from home) to let me know I have a cardboard box busily soaking through on my stoop. (The UPS and FedEx dudes not only knock, but if I'm not home they leave the package at the side door under the awning when it's raining!)

I have always had the nicest, most super-efficient postal people ever, everywhere else I have lived. Never anybody who would give fit negative stereotypes about postal workers. My last mail lady, in North Carolina, actually came by AFTER HER ROUTE at 5:30 p.m. one evening because an important letter for me got to the post office after she'd left for her route that day, and she wanted to make sure I got it as quickly as possible, so she dropped it by my house on her way home from work!

But this woman! She just clearly hates mail. I have never seen someone with quite so much animus toward letters. I'd complain, but I'm afraid I'd never get my bills on time again if I did.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

I Have Out-Shopped My Feet

I think my shopping gene is on the fritz because I actually ran out of energy while shopping. This is a problem because a) I like shopping and b) it's the holidays and I have forty friggin' relatives to buy presents for. I thing the gene failure has to do with all this "simple living" crap my husband and I have been doing, acquiring less junk and all that. Well, also maybe the fact that I can now acquire junk from the comfort of my own computer and have it delivered to my door.

I discovered my shopping gene was on the fritz when I went to the mall today with Mr. McGee, because I had a wave of nostalgia today about how fun shopping during the holidays is.

Only it isn't.

Now I remember why I went to doing all my holiday shopping online: Other shoppers are ANNOYING, and the holidays bring out all the amateur shoppers who walk too slow, have inferior stroller-control skills, and really don't deserve the last Pfaltzgraff Winterberry gravy boat because they're just shopping at Christmas. It's like the people who take the good pews in church when they only show up for Christmas and Easter. It's just bloody unfair to those of us who make the year-long commitment to shopping. Or, you know, Jesus. Or both, and try really hard not to suffer any cognitive dissonance about it.

But I forgot about all of that, so I shopped today, and I out-shopped my feet. My husband and I had both just about run out of gift ideas, I in shopping for him, my parents, his parents, my three siblings, my grandparents, my other visiting relatives, our mutual friends, his secretary, and doing all our Christmas cards; he in shopping for, well, me. (This is one of those sitcom aspects of our marriage. He was perfectly capable of buying his mother gifts on his own, until he got married. It's like he downloaded all non-wife gift-related information for all occasions into my brain and no longer feels obligated to access that part of his programming.) So we went to the stores and picked out our own stocking presents, then -- here's the crucial part -- had the other person run the credit card on it. (The same credit card, mind you -- but I ran the card for the presents he picked out for himself, and he ran it for mine.)

So you understand why I will be so surprised -- nay, shocked! shocked! -- when I open my stocking gifts on Christmas night. I mean, I've never, never seen that watch before! What a great idea, sweetie! You know my taste so perfectly!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Important Life Questions (at 2:30 a.m.)

Why is it, when I pull an all-nighter, that the only people on my IMer buddy list when I need periodic distractions to help me stay awake are ex-boyfriends and assorted people I don't like enough to ever actually talk to?

Well, those people, and my sister, who selfishly insists she has to sleep rather than entertain me.

(Ha ha! I love being self-employed! If the work doesn't get done, you just KEEP STAYING AWAKE until it does! I never get to go home! I'm not loopy at all!)

Tuesday, December 06, 2005


Notre Dame's in the Fiesta Bowl!

Suck it, State!

(And hey, congrats to the BCS for finally scheduling something that looks like an actual championship game, for, what, only the second time since 1998? What a stupid, stupid, stupid system. Plain old bowls were way better.)

Busy Busy Busy!

Eyebrows is up to her pretty little eyebrows in volunteer work and expects to be buried - if not under the work, then under this ridiculous snow - for the rest of the week. And nothing worth writing about happens when you're spending all day alone in the archives researching things for charity. But I promise to be funny again as soon as I've dug myself out and have a life again!