Saturday, August 27, 2005

The Spoliator Strikes Again


If you check the time on this post, you'll note I'm making it at 4 a.m. This is not because I am an early riser, nor even because I stayed up way too late playing stupid computer games or something equally fun.

No, this is because I have the killer toothache from hell. How Victorian is that? They still HAVE toothaches in this day and age?

It's the Spoliator tooth and his mate, which strike with pain on a semi-regular schedule, although never before with get-me-out-of-bed-unable-to-sleep pain. (Spoliator from a Jewish law term that basically means something that spoils via its teeth, and YES I named my tooth and YES I named it after an obscure theological term and if you have a problem with that I will set the Spoliator loose on you.)

Right now, I'm full of OTC painkillers and topical lidocaine, which has the perverse effect of making me very hungry. I'm trying to gum some crackers, and all I can think is that it's too bad I didn't make my First Communion ten or fifteen years earlier, when they didn't letting you chew the host yet (don't bite Jesus!), because that would have be excellent practice for this very awkward moment in mastication history.

If you read in the news tomorrow about a crazy Peoria woman crashing her car through a dentist's office, that will be me, if the dentist can't see me at the ass crack of dawn. Or earlier.

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