Monday, June 27, 2005

"All-Terrain" Includes the Highway

Dear ALL TRN 7,

Although you are driving an "all-terrain" Jeep that even has a license plate proclaiming it to be "ALL TRN 7," you are most manifestly a dork-ass suburban middle-aged wannabe with some kind of identity crisis. There's a clear excitement gap between your car and your actual lifestyle.

I know this because driving 50 miles an hour on an interstate highway posted 65 mph (45 minimum) and slowing down to 40 any time there's a "join" in the highway pavement so as not to jar your precious allegedly all-terrain Jeep is a DEAD GIVEAWAY that you bought it to shore up a sagging self-image, not to fit your lifestyle. Just because you can afford the trappings of an exciting, trendy, rugged, outdoorsy lifestyle doesn't make your lifestyle exciting, trendy, rugged, and/or outdoorsy. But congratulations on being so thoroughly brainwashed by Madison Avenue that you honestly believe you CAN buy a lifestyle by buying a car and a vanity plate.

Just so you know we're on to you.


P.S.: If you really were outdoorsy and rugged, you'd be driving a Prius or - even better - pedaling under your own power on a mountain bike of some sort. Only pathetic indoor A/C-dependent posers drive gas-guzzlers and SUVs while claiming to be outdoorsy. Again, just so you know.

Want to read more of Eyebrows's open letters to the irritating? Check out Why You Are Not Employed.

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