Thursday, September 02, 2004

Why You Are Not Employed

Dear young woman two seats down from me at the call center training for temps,

You wondered, long and loud, throughout our training, why you did not have a job. I do not mean to presume, but I believe I may be able to shed some light on this question for you. I do not usually voice these concerns to relative strangers, but you seemed so fixated on your lack of employment and so bothered by it (and so convinced the rest of us really wanted to hear about it) that I can only conclude you were genuinely seeking advice. So here it is.

First, young woman two seats down from me at the call center training for temps (hereinafter, YWTSDFMATCCTFT), your clothing left something to be desired. I understand that you believed it to be professional in nature, but in fact it was a poor caricature of professional dress that drew more attention to the poor quality and tacky nature of your clothing than plain slacks and a shirt would have. In general, women do not wear thin, unlined fabrics that are nearly see-through to the office. Skirts for women's suits generally come more than just an inch or two below your pubic hair. We do not need to see your thighs. Jackets with flagrantly unfinished seams that hang below the jacket itself when worn right-side-out are not made less tacky by the addition of bizarre contrasting top-stitching. Moreover, formal-cut suits ought not be made out of body-hugging stretchy fabric. While your choice of attire might have been appropriate for the role of "sexy office slut" in a porn film, for the 3 minutes it remained on the character, it was really not appropriate for an actual, non-porn-related office. Moreover, one generally does not wear open-toed 4-inch stilettos with a suit to the office, especially when one cannot walk in them without tottering. I would hate for you to think I was criticizing your weight - you are, in fact, a very thin woman with attractive curves in the right places - but your suit was at least a size too small. You were bulging out all over the place and we were all treated to your panty lines. (At least you were wearing them!)

Secondly, YWTSDFMATCCTFT, your personal grooming left something to be desired. When it comes to make-up for the office, less is more. Tammy Faye Bakker is not a make-up role model. And if you must smoke, try to keep the nicotine from quite so obviously staining your teeth. (And thank God customers can't smell your breath over the telephone.) Nails that resemble talons, such that you are required to pick out each letter on the keyboard, click by click, with the tip of said talon, are detrimental to your productivity, which understandably puts off most employers in a day and age when employees are expected to be able to type at least 50 wpm. I would be surprised if you manage two or three. We will not discuss your choice of hair accessories. At least your hair was clean and out of your face.

The third thing that might possibly interfere with you landing (and keeping - you mentioned being repeatedly fired) a job is that it's generally considered rude, in this country, to sing while others are talking. It's generally considered unforgiveably rude to sing at random throughout the 8-hour training session while the trainer is lecturing, invariably interrupting him with your Euterpean efforts and bringing the entire class to a crashing halt of distraction. Perhaps you missed the subtle signs that the trainer was losing patience with your interruptions because such melodious interludes were invariably followed with your crow-like cawing of laughter while you chattered and giggled with the attractive man next to you and ignored all efforts by the instructor to regain control of the class.

While I realize that you have, in your words, "been broked all week," and that money is a primary concern for you at this time, it does not give the best impression of a diligent employee when one asks repeatedly - 18 times before noon, by my count - when one is paid, when one can expect a raise, when one will receive bonuses, and if one can expect a bonus for showing up at work tomorrow. Employers generally do not find amusing threats not to do any work until one is paid, even when couched in such charming colloquial language as, "Shit, I'm not doin' a damn thing 'til I get some CASH." Nor do they find repeated cajoling for early paychecks or bonuses for turning up and doing the job you're being paid to do exactly reassuring as to your work ethic and value as an employee. You may have been confused by the fact that the training instructor gave you a dollar to buy coffee. He did this to make you shut the hell up about not having coffee so he could proceed with the class without your whines interrupting him every 30 seconds. Perhaps if you had listened to him instead of constantly interrupting him with your demands for money and musical flights of fancy, you would have heard the part where he said "we don't deal with cell phone questions at this call center" instead of following up that statement immediately with a question about your cell phone that was stolen two years ago and why should you have to pay the company for a new one when you had gotten a police report swearing that it really had been stolen.

Finally, YWTSDFMATCCTFT, it does not exactly inspire confidence in your commitment to either this particular job or the concept of the 8-hour workday in general when you ask repeatedly throughout the afternoon if you can leave the training early and warn the instructor several times that there are several days in the coming two weeks on which you simply will not work.

I am confident, YWTSDFMATCCTFT, that if you take some of these suggestions to heart, you can present a more professional face to potential employers that will result in you landing a full-time job so that you too can look forward to a regular paycheck and an 8-hour day.

Yours most sincerely,
Eyebrows

P.S.: I am considering nominating our instructor for sainthood. Perhaps you would like to sing at his canonization?

2 comments:

Star said...

*applause* Wonderfully ranted, Eyebrows. I love it when you rant... You express yourself so eloquently. :)

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