Thursday, September 16, 2004

Church Vans: The Comprehensive Rules of the Road

One of Eyebrows's friends from seminary, the Pastor of Disaster, has contributed the following, which Eyebrows felt was too funny not to share with the universe:

I am proposing that a new course be added to seminary cirriculum: "Drivers Ed for Pastors and Church Staff." The syllabus is as follows:

Lesson 1: Yes you can operate and manuever a vehicle that is
wider than standard lanes and which handles like a building on wheels and does not drive well in ANY road conditions. Always avoid having to back up, as vans are designed so that you can see NOTHING while backing up. You'll find forward movement is relatively easy, and that piloting the beast of a machine is not the worst part of operating the church van. Also take comfort in that you are in a large and intimidating vehicle. People will go out of their way to not be bothered by Christians. Mechanical, sensory, and passenger oddities and challenges are what will make your life utter hell on wheels (provided they don't blow out and you flip to your firey and painful death).

Lesson 2: The heating and air conditioning units in all church vans do not work. It is an
ontological reality. Once the name of the church is plastered onto a vehicle, the ventilation system ceases to function normally. Exorcisms are futile. Taking the vehicle in for servicing is also futile, as the heat/air will work perfectly for mechanics thereby making you look like a moron. Don't bother.

Lesson 3: The Blind Spot. The
Blind Spot is ubiquitious. It is impossible to know what vehicles are near you. Therefore you must just turn on the signal, start to change lanes, and pray that no one is there, or if someone is there they have the hanging orbs to blow their horn at you, or are pussies who will get the hell out of your way.

Lesson 4: You may enter the van a mild-mannered and very pastoral and
loving person. However you will find that you will turn into Satan in certain situations. You may be provoked to murderous thoughts and may feel urges to drive the van off of a cliff, thinking firey and painful death is preferable to the agony of a van full of complaining parishioners who are all firmly convinced that they can operate the beast better than you. You must resist these urges, as vehicular homicide/suicide will most certainly endanger your pension.

Lesson 5:
Old Ladies. Old ladies are a special breed of searing and agonizing pain. Old ladies may seem harmless, but they are the most evil, vile creatures to set walkers into the church van. The temperature is never right, and adjustment is futile (see lesson 2). Since adjustment is useless, simply place your fingers lightly around the knobs and act like you are adjusting them. That usually will shut them up about the temperature. However they will most certainly bitch about something else. For instance, you will never be driving slow enough. If you get passed by a quadriplegic turtle, it's still too fast. You can never be too cautious. And these ladies have laser-vision when it comes to seeing the speedometer. Yes, the same people who need 9 magnifiying glasses to read the bulletin can clearly see the speedometer from 75 feet away. Just do your best to obstruct their view. But even that is futile, because there is always something to complain about. With old ladies, work in pure survival mode, and simply tune them out the best you can and just get them the hell to where they're going. All of them will tell you how to get there, and each will give different directions. It is best to plan ahead and know where you're going, and then humor them as they tell you where to go. Unfortunately, no current technology offers ejection seats for you or the passengers. However, you can drug yourself prior to the drive, and it is wise to have a fifth and some valium handy when you get to your destination. Again, you must resist the temptation to just drive off a cliff and end it all. You can survive the old ladies. God may seem distant and uncaring, but God is good and will deliver you. They're old, they'll die sometime soon. And someday you too will be old and can terrorize the driver. Bwah ha ha ha ha!

Lesson 6: The Aroma. Church vans
smell like ass. Conventional methods such as Febreze, air fresheners, and airing the van out have little or no effect on the funk. But take comfort in the fact that you'll eventually get used to the funk. But you'll wonder why you smell like ass when you get back home. Quickly wash your clothes and shower before your entire dwelling gets infected with van funk. Once it sets in, it's eternal.

Lesson 7:
God help us all!!!!

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